For someone who loves to write, words have not been easy lately. My mind has often hit a wall. The best way to describe it is to compare it to watching a scene where someone is being chased. As they are running as hard as possible to escape, they are suddenly stopped and cannot choose which way to turn next. What path or what door will lead to their survival? As the focus is put on their face, you see in the expression a dazed look. A look that says, “I have no clue what to do next!” And time stands still.
In the past couple of weeks, I have often felt that was where my mind was. Frozen in time. I could not have told you what thoughts were tumbling around. Words were lost as my entire being felt it was living in the twilight zone of someone else’s life.
But those feelings are not my reality. I am walking through this with my eyes wide open even when my heart and head at times struggle to grasp it all.
The past couple of weeks have been physically difficult for Raphael. You hear about the possible side effects associated with chemo. Yet to live through that reality takes the truth to a different level. Pain that racks not just muscles but your very bones. Nausea that comes in waves. Weakness. It all becomes part of his everyday life. At those times, I have no words for him.
When he looks at me with tears because of the pain, I have no words. All I can do is hold him.
When he says, “These are the days that make you feel like you don’t want to live,” I have no words. I just put my arms around him and pray.
As we near the date of transplant time and I face the list of responsibilities I will have as a caregiver, I have no words.
Yet in my own silence, He speaks.
In my silence, His arms are holding me.
In my silence, peace still comes as He is collecting all mine and Raphael’s tears.
One of my favorite scriptures has often been in the forefront of my mind during this season.
“It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will listen.” Isaish 65:24
See, no matter what words I do or do not say, my heart and soul are still crying out to God. Physically I feel the effects of all the emotions raging on the inside. My mind might not even realize all that is going on, but my body knows. The knots in my back speak of the tension that is just part of daily life. My face often shows the peace that is carrying me, but the tears that start to fall at random times speaks of the emotions that are remaining at bay.
And my heavenly Father sees it all. He hears what I cannot verbally speak. And He answers. Every time someone sends a message, God is answering. With every meal that someone brings us, God is speaking.
Recently a friend chaperoned a school trip to DC. She posted a video from their time at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Although I have visited it several times myself, their silent actions spoke more volumes to me now than it had before. I watched the ceremonial actions of the changing of the guards. One guard shows the gun and gives instructions to the next guard as the gun and the watch over the tomb changes hands.
Each action carries both meaning and instructions. They carry out each movement with such precision.
So many spoken words. Words that are left unspoken. No words needed.
But the message remains the same.
It’s like that for me with my Lord. When my words fail me, He still hears me.
And for me, I don’t need to hear words from Him to know He is listening. In each sunset there is such precision that speaks of His sovereignty. The changing of seasons happening year after year speaks of His faithfulness. Animals instinctively know to prepare for winter or take cover from a coming storm. That is God’s words speaking of His shelter. Psalm 19:2-4 states is to well.
The heavens declare the glory of God;
the firmament proclaims the works of his hands.
Day unto day pours forth speech;
night unto night whispers knowledge.
There is no speech, no words;
their voice is not heard.
The miracle life of my great-nephew born premature speaks of God’s care.
Notes, cards, gifts of money or food sent to us are all actions that speak of His provision.
I am surrounded by His Voice just in my everyday life. Trees. Flowers. Rainbows. Sun, moon, stars, planets and galaxies all speak of His creativity and order.
No, this season of life is not the easiest road we have traveled. And often we have felt the silence of His voice in our personal walk. No, we haven’t seen the big miracle of total healing and deliverance from the process like we had hoped. But when we sit back and talk about the experience, we then hear His voice so loudly through all the little things He has orchestrated with such precision.
And no words have been needed.